The above is the headline from a real New York Post article (assuming that it's not a contradiction in terms).
On a less grisly note, I liked when Tina Turner was a guest on Letterman, and he gave her a tuna turner.
Both from Consumerist:
- According to Reuters, an Australian department store directed its Santa Claus 'to say "ha ha ha" because the word "ho," which is American slang for whore, could offend women, media reported'.
- McDonald's and other fast-food restaurants have long given coupons to students who earn good grades, which was bad enough, but now McDonald's advertisements are being printed on report cards.
George Lucas has digitally re-mastered and restored the American classic Singin' In the Rain. The way Gene Kelly originally intended it.
Old: The blind leading the blind
New: Enrolled in the Paris and Nicole Academy
Old: Don't take any wooden nickels
New: Don't mistake eggs for oysters
Old: Looks a gift horse in the mouth
New: Wants birthday cake on Christmas
Old: Nice guys finish last
New: No one remembers Ivan the Wonderful
Old: Killing two birds with one stone
New: Feeding two birds with one scone
Old: All the tea in China
New: All the porn on the internet
Old: Stuck out like a sore thumb
New: Stood out like a miniskirt in a monastery
I saw the headline "Scientists discover, kill oldest creature" not in The Onion but in the newspaper. From The Guardian Online (Oct. 29):
A clam that lived on the seabed in the frigid waters off Iceland's north coast has been hailed as the longest-lived animal ever discovered.
The mollusc, which is thought to have lurked beneath the waves until at least the age of 405, would have been a juvenile when Galileo picked up his first telescope, Hamlet was first staged and the gunpowder plot failed to blow up King James I....
The clam was alive when it was brought to the surface, but at that point, the researchers had no idea how old it was. Only after cutting through the shell and counting annual growth rings under a microscope did they date the mollusc to between 405 to 410 years old.
This reminds me of Terry Pratchett's fictional counting pines:
Counting pines are one of the few known examples of 'borrowed evolution'. A counting pine seed coming to rest anywhere on the Disc picks up the most effective genetic code, and grows into whatever best suits the climate, usually usurping the local plants.
The other notable feature of this remarkable plant is that it produces, at eye-height, numbers detailing its precise age. Its chain of reasoning is as follows; being dimly aware that humans can tell a tree's age by counting its rings, it has reasoned this must be why humans cut trees down.
Unfortunately, within a year they were driven almost to extinction by the house number-plate industry.
It also brings to mind this joke:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
According to The Consumerist, ratings plummeted for the TV show Desperate Housewives after high definition television (HDTV) "let viewers see the stars' wrinkles and age-lines in true detail". Fortunately, technology has a cure for the problems wrought by technology: airbrushes, now being used to precisely apply make-up and cover any imperfections. (I consider this the greatest use of technology to counter technology since the snooze alarm neutralized the alarm clock.)
This problem was reported on back in 1996 by The (British) Independent:
Greater clarity means viewers get a much better look at faces that for years appeared flawless. In the United States, where the images have already begun beaming, previously unseen spots, blemishes and crow's feet are being highlighted on visages, prompting outbreaks of fury and talk of legal action against commentators who have ridiculed celebrities over their looks....
"For the last few weeks in our make-up department we've started experimenting with make-up for HDTV," said Ms Gerbeau. "One of the big things is we've been using an airbrush to apply the foundation, which looks like a dentist's drill. It's like being a canvas that's spray painted, but the idea is that it gives a natural, uniform look to the complexion of the presenters."
All of this is good news for the cosmetics companies. Clinique has launched a line of products for television firms that will also be released on the general market. Dr David Orentreich, a dermatologist for Clinique, said that advance orders were already coming in for the company's "HDTV kit", which includes a "pore minimiser", "colour correctors" and an "anti-oxidant rescue serum"....
Other presenters are reported to be requesting "Botox budgets" on their expense accounts and contributions towards facial peels. They are doing so largely as a result of what has happened in the US. There, celebrities ranging from Desperate Housewives actress Teri Hatcher to pop star Britney Spears have been slaughtered over their "real" appearance. One commentator, Phillip Swann, has become a pseudo celebrity in his own right for highlighting HDTV horrors on his cult website, www.tvpredictions.com.
I continue to be happy with a twenty-something inch analog TV set.
After toy-maker RC2's recall of lead-tainted Thomas & Friends toys, customers received an apology and a bonus gift, which has since been recalled for lead contamination.
Consumerist, which ran the story, comments: "That's pathetic. Maybe the apology toys for these ones will contain polio.".
(Thanks, Kevin Godby.)
A married couple are divorcing after they chatted each other up on the Internet using fake names.
Sana Klaric and husband Adnan poured their hearts out to each other over their marriage troubles.
Using the names 'Sweetie' and 'Prince of Joy' in a online chatroom, the pair thought they had found a soulmate with whom to spend the rest of their lives.
It should have turned out like a real-life version of the 1979 Rupert Holmes song, Escape, where a couple meet through advert by someone 'who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain'.
But, unlike in the song, there was no happy ending after they turned up for a date and realised their mistake. Now the pair, from Zenica, Central Bosnia, are divorcing after accusing each other of being unfaithful.
Sana, 27, said: 'I was suddenly in love. It was amazing, we seemed to be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriages. How right that turned out to be.'
But when it dawned on her what had happened, she said: 'I felt so betrayed.'
Adnan, 32, said: 'I still find it hard to believe that Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years.'
Two months after releasing the iPhone at $600, Apple reduced the price by $200. Early purchasers are outraged, despite the $100 credit Apple subsequently gave them. There were two outraged pleas on The Consumerist, a blog I ordinarily enjoy.
One whiner writes:
In response to the announcement issued yesterday by Mr. Jobs, I would like to know how is it even reasonable to expect that pissed off customers WANT $100 towards more Apple gear? What good does $100 towards new stuff do, if I never plan to shop at Apple again as a result of this greedy stunt? I'm in the tech industry--one could reasonably expect that a new version and a lower price would happen around December, given the holidays and the fact that it's 6 months after the launch. But this week, and a 33% cut? That's outrageous, especially when the standard return policies for most smart retailers are 30, 60 or 90 days...not 14. Apple has just destroyed their brand in my eyes.
I would like to know how this company plans to legitimately address my (and others') concerns--not just pay lip-service and attempt to get us to buy more stuff.
As far as I'm concerned, Apple was under no obligation to provide the $100 credit, for which early buyers should be thankful. Commenters shared my lack of sympathy:
Uh oh, somebody better call the waaaaaaaaambulance.
Look if the prices on these STAYED high or even went up, these same early adopters who defied every warning prices would fall would be GLOATING and CROWING about how they were ahead of the curve and SMART shoppers.
Unbelievable. This whole episode should convince Apple and other companies not to lower their prices so much or so quickly. Nice work, assholes.
Way to bite the hand that feeds you cool gadgets, douche. Be happy you didn't trade the lease to your car for a Ribwitch.